When we think of inner work we think it is just something that we are doing for ourselves. When we are truly doing the inner work to become better versions of ourselves we find out things we try to hide from ourselves and the world. Doing the inner work is never an easy or fun process because as we are making mistakes we are learning how to fix them or noticing that it is something that needs to be fixed.
Recently, I was very inconsiderate to my best friend. I didn't understand what I did wrong until she told me. It was like a stab in the heart when I finally realized what I had did wrong. Even though it was truly done unintentionally, the damage had been done. I racked and racked my brain for 2 hours trying to figure out how could I have been so thoughtless. I was trying to figure out why did I know this but at that moment in time it didn't show any red flags when I did it.
When I finally decided to relish in my self pity I did some inner work my coach gave me to do. Then as I was doing the papers a lightbulb came on in my head and I figured out why there were no red flags. It wasn't because I was a heartless person or a heartless friend it was because I didn't understand the situation. When I don't understand a situation I hide and I don't think about it. I do this as a coping mechanism for tragedies that have happened in my life.
Thinking back on times when I tried to understand certain situations I was told because I didn't automatically knew the situation or issue that I was stupid. So initially because I didn't fully understand the situation I didn't want to feel stupid so I didn't ask. So instead I did something horrible. I was able to check myself and realize what traits I am experiencing. I was able to self evaluate and realize why I did this and what was the cause of it.
I haven't always been the best person to others, the best daughter, mother, or friend at all, but I am always trying to find ways to become a better version of myself. It took me a long time to want to even try this journey because it is unconventional and isn't an easy journey. Now that I am on this journey I want to learn more about myself. I want to know more about how to be the best me for myself and all those around me.
To all those I have hurt prior to my journey and during my journey I am truly sorry from the bottom of my heart. I am still learning and I am not there just yet. Each day I am trying to be better than yesterday. If you are apart of my journey and my day to day life after the hurt and pain I have cause I thank you so much for being here. Thank you for wanting me to be the best person possible.
This is dedicated to my best friend. I know I hurt you multiple times by not being there. I haven't had the best role models, but that gives me not right or no excuse for my mistakes. I love you and I hope you continue this journey with me.